Sweet surrender
by asuitablegirl
Summary: A slight reworking of the near kiss between anna and bates


Note : I love the near kiss scene between anna and bates in series 1. this is just my imagination running a bit astray and wondering if things could have turned out a bit differently.

**Sweet Surrender**

Is it ever possible to escape from ones past? Eventually the sins of ones past catch up no matter how fast one tries to run away from them. However hard one tries to erase them and expunge them from ones consciousness, they are always present as a tiny pincer pinching away at you at the very moments you want to forget them and enjoy some fleeting moments of happiness. John had hoped that he could have a quiet life in Downton Abbey. Somewhere he could put his head down, work and have some peace. Even the best laid plans can come unstuck. He had not reckoned with the animosity and sheer vituperative nature of O'Brien and Thomas. They seemed to have a pathological need to get him out of there. And then there was Anna, his saviour, his salvation and also his vanquisher. The more he tried to resist her, the more she subjugated his heart and desires. He could not give himself up to her and neither could he keep himself away from her. She made him so happy yet his heart ached that he could not give himself up to her. Oh lord, why do I have to endure this sweet torture. You present me with a vision of heaven, but my feet are mired in an abyss.

By the time he was accused of stealing the wine by Thomas and his cohorts, John was worn out by the ordeal of concealing his tainted past. Even though Mr. Carson had exonerated him and Mrs Hughes had only ever shown his kindness, he was at his lowest ebb. He told them about his past, his imprisonment for theft, his drunkenness and he felt strangely unburdened despite the consequences that would surely ensue. Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes still did not want to believe his whole story and he felt gratitude towards them. He could barely bring himself to look at Anna, knowing that his confession would have shocked her. Yet as he cautiously lifted his eyes towards her, there were no accusations or recriminations in her eyes, just more concern for him and an agitation to resolve this issue.

Still at least she now knew some part of the real him and was disabused of the notion of him as a honourable man. Painful though it may be, this would be the jolt she needed to move on away from him and seek a man more suited to her. He was laid bare and she could see into his past and his soul and there was no mistaking anymore. Strangely he felt a load had been lifted from his heart and despite the consequences that would undoubtedly follow, he could have a clear conscience. He was wrong to even entertain thoughts of loving Anna and belonging to her. However, gut wrenching it was, the right thing was to let her go to pastures anew where she may find the love of a decent and honourable man. His penance must be to suffer not being to ever hold her, touch her, caress her and be comforted by her bosom. Those limpid eyes, that svelte figure, that open countenance would now never be his to savour and cherish. His sanction was severe and he wished he could rail at the high price he had to pay for the mistakes of his youth.

With these thoughts jostling in his head, he did not notice Anna until she was just a few paces from him. Those bright eyes appeared a bit dulled and tinged with sadness. 'Mr Bates,' she began with a faltering voice, 'Will you really leave?' If he was astounded by her plaintive question, he did not show it. He adopted a phlegmatic tone and a sad smile as he said, ' I doubt his Lordship wants a thief in the house.' However she remained inconsolable as she looked up to him with eyes which threatened to break into tears. John was immensely moved by her devotion and unquestioning loyalty. But he tried to be sensible again and protect her from herself and him too. 'Go to sleep.' and then for added emphasis, 'Dream of a better man.' But his Anna was not one for giving up or giving in easily. She looked up to him and resolutely said, ' I can't, because there isn't one.' As she stood there leaving herself open to him, he found himself overcome by a tremendous mixture of feelings of joy, overwhelming love and a strange warmth enveloped his body. He could not help but reach out to her as she stood there baring her soul to him. He watched as his fingers approached hers and found them. The warmth in his soul radiated through his body and he gently rubbed her fingers with his all the time trying to hold himself back. But alas, it was in vain and he watched as their heads slanted and approached each other to savour their first kiss.

Just then, someone dropped a few crates in the courtyard and it shattered their reverie and suddenly the all too harsh reality of life hit them as Anna left his grasp and moved to leave. John could not help himself as he reached for her hand and pulled her back towards him. She was holding her breath and with a sigh she released it as she placed the palms of her hands under his coat on his shirt. With a hand under her chin he pulled her mouth towards his. God, those lips were so soft and enticing and he could only kiss them tenderly at first and then deeply. As their lips finally parted, Anna put her arms around his shoulders and pulled him in for a deep embrace.

He was shocked to find the tears flowing unrestrained, his tears. Where did they come from and what did they want from Anna. But she held him tight and kissed his tears away. Her bosom from which he wanted to extricate himself just a few minutes ago was welcoming and generous. 'Come to me dearest', she said 'Let me love you'.

_Come to me dearest, let me love you_  
><em>Let me shower my fair arms around you<em>  
><em>Why are you so burdened with past lives<em>  
><em>Why is there such thirst in your eyes<em>  
><em>Take my happiness and share your sorrows<em>  
><em>Come to me dearest, let me love you<em>

__Please review my very first effort and please be kind.


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